Mistaken Identity - Part 1

This week has been an interesting week for me. God has revealed something in my heart, that in all honesty, he has revealed many times before. He has once again shown me that I have a case of mistaken identity, which is not uncommon for me and which I would venture to say is not uncommon for you either. Let me explain.

For the past several weeks my work has been really slow. We are in a season at Sage Benefit Advisors where we don't have much going on. This has led to me being sent home from work early, sometimes hours earlier than normal. I'm also not as busy with church responsibilities as I used to be, which has left me with more free time in the afternoons and mornings.

This extra time that I have been given has left me feeling quite useless. Because I don't have much to do at work, there us no point in me being there. At home I have struggled with finding "valuable" things to do (there is only so much you can clean in our little apartment). And since I don't have as many meetings as I used to on a regular basis, I feel less valuable in the Rock. All of this has left me feeling worthless altogether.

You see, over the last few years (and really my whole life) I have been finding value and my identity in what I do or don't do. If I am not measuring up to someone's expectations (even if they are my own) I must not be valuable enough. If I can do something good and productive, then I am valuable. Leadership on my team and in the Rock has given me value. But now that I am not "doing" as many things, now that my schedule isn't as busy, I'm believing the lie that I am no longer valuable, I have become worthless. In essence, I am finding my identity in the wrong place.

In my next blog post I will share more about why finding my identity and value in these things is a sin and where I should be getting my identity and value from instead.

The Power of a Thought

Have you ever thought about your thoughts? What they can make you do? What they can make you say? How they can make you feel?

I've been learning a lot about my own thoughts recently when it comes to my marriage. Eddie and I are almost 4 months into our marriage and I have never seen how sinful I can be like I have seen in these last 4 months. My words, my actions, my facial expressions, and my attitudes have all, multiple times, shown the darkness that can come from my heart. And what I have realized is that in those times when I have a bad attitude toward my husband and I have given him the "I'm disappointed in you" look, my thoughts are not where they should be.

Philippians 4:8 - "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Do you ever read that verse and think, "man, that's a great verse", and tuck it away into your good intentions verse box? What I mean is that I have read that verse and thought about how I should apply that to my life but it never really gets much past that. I struggle with it because it seems too daunting to try and think about every thought I have everyday and figure out if I'm thinking of something praiseworthy. But I have finally discovered a good application of this verse in my life and hopefully you can use it too.

Think back to the last time you were frustrated with something or someone. Now, try to recall what you were thinking. More than likely, you were not thinking on what was true, noble, right, etc. I am just as guilty. My thoughts are a battle ground that need to be taken captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). But that battle is not always easily won. When I get frustrated with my husband, it's because I have let my thoughts wonder down a road where I am dwelling on his wrong doing or his sin (or what I think is sin). And last time I checked sin is not on that list of things to think about. Instead I need to think about how faithful my husband was that morning or how thoughtful he was the day before. I need to remember that he is not the sin that I see coming from him now; he is a forgiven child of God battling sin just as I do. And when I start thinking on those things, like the great mercy the Lord has shown and the wonderful husband he has given me, I start being thankful for him instead of frustrated at him. When I start to control my thoughts, my emotions suddenly start to change also.

But even in that effort, it can still just come from good intentions. Without the grace and power of Jesus Christ in my life, I will never be able to take control of my thoughts. Especially when I am in the moment of frustration, that is the time when I need his grace the most so that I am not just responding out of emotion. For me to think that I can control my thoughts on my own is arrogant. I must be in prayer for my thought life in order that Jesus might be king and victor over that battle ground of my thoughts.

This is new...

This is a new adventure for me. I have never before undertaken my own blog. But one thing my husband has a heart to be is a producer and not simply a consumer. All day long we receive input from a multitude of sources. We consume information as quickly as the present converts the future into the past. Not that all consuming is bad, especially coming from a Christ centered source, but I do not wish to simply consume until my heart's content without pouring myself back out and producing something of value.

So here we are. This is my attempt to take on the challenge that my husband has indirectly put on my heart.

The title of my blog is "The Pinnacle of Necessity". My dear friend and sister, Shelli Majeski has a saying that has also taken root in my own life: to be needy for Jesus. There is a deep need for Jesus Christ in my life, whether or not I always recognize it. But in those times when the eyes of my heart are enlightened and I truly see how much I need him, it is glorious. I want to strive to be in that place of desperate neediness for him.

Psalm 40:17, "Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."

Jesus is a necessity in my life. And not just any necessity, he is the pinnacle of necessity; there is no necessity higher than him. The goal of this blog will be to #1 continually remind myself, through my own writings, of that fact: I need him. And #2 implore my readers to see that they also have a great need Jesus Christ. And not just in an intellectual assent to fact, churchy lingo, "need". Most Christians these days would acknowledge that they "need" Jesus (I do). But do we live like it? I'm talking about a deeply felt, personal need for the presence and grace of Jesus Christ every, single day of our lives. A neediness that drives me into his arms because I recognize that there is no where else to go, he has the words of eternal life (John 6:68).

I pray that the Lord will bless this endeavor to produce some light into this dark world. And I pray that this will encourage and challenge those who choose to read it.